You
just gotta be a crazy fellow to be in the bond that's defined as "Relationship".
It is a crazy choice only a crazy person
would choose to delve into knowing he (or she) might get crazier! Then
again, that is probably an excuse to avoid testing your limits in a life-long
examination that will surely bring to light strengths and weaknesses you had no
idea about. It certainly is not all rosy but the results are true and
enlightening to the point of being beneficial to growth in character.
In
my honest opinion, it certainly is a boring thing to be "alone" which
is why God in all His wisdom spotted this problem and resolved it by creating
woman from and for man. He knew that man may be a physically strong being but
that he would also be lacking in some areas. This left a gap that required the
right kind of filling. Out came
"Woman" to the rescue! She being emotionally strong, overflowing
with intuition and able to bear the pain of both parties filled that gaping
hole perfectly - a round peg in a round hole so to speak.
Man
was not yet complete though because he had quite some work to do to get there.
He had to learn and understand woman in order to fit in with her. This would
then in turn teach him about himself - his character in diverse situations
involving the being christened "Woman". She would love him
unconditionally like she had no choice, and even if she had one, she'd throw it
out the window and stick with him, but she definitely would not take his
nonsense! So, she'd be unpredictable and ensure that he tries to figure her out
whether he can or not and whether he wants to or not. It is her very own way of
growing his wisdom without him even realising. The most complex system's
algorithm in this world is by far the woman's. It is completely unsolvable
simply because it is a random-occurring-diversified-permutation differentiated
at levels never ever before imagined possible to the mind of the smartest of
men, and deeply infused with the integrated factor of emotional-confusion! Basically - Rocket Science!
Men
like to make jokes, or rather... bold statements that they can exist without
women, but it is a simple farce let on by pride in order to mask the truth -
their "weakness". Considering the fact that the Omniscient God says
"...it is not good for man to be
alone.", are you really gonna believe man who thinks he knows it all
when he says he can live out life on his own without the addition of a female
being? Does he know more than The Creator of he, man?? Pft! ...that's a joke
right? ...thinking he knows more?? We, men, act all tough like nothing can
phaze us, yet a whole lot does. We simply hold it in and call it
"strength". Interesting choice of reasoning for such smart beings
huh? Well, take up the role of a man and then you will fully grasp who and why
we are what we are. It is no joke, it is
a whole lot of responsibility!
In
relationships, they say; "Keep the
conversation going and make sure she's happy... that's all." I submit
to you that, this is rather unfortunately easier said than done. What makes
"her" happy changes on a moment's basis rather than on a logical,
say... daily or weekly basis. Women say; "You don't understand me!"
Well... that's honestly very true, and so it makes one wonder; "...if they
know this, why do they keep expecting us to be magical in how we treat
them?" Men can try to get the general idea and understanding of women but
cannot in any way magically know what is on her mind without her making it
known clearly without any further encryption. Men have to turn into
"discerners of the thoughts and intents of women's hearts and minds".
This role, i believe, belongs to The Word of God and The Holy Spirit. Men, we
ain't that! We're flawed beings trying
to attain some form of perfection with the help of our help-meets - women,
while focusing on The Author and Finisher of Our Faith - Jesus. If we are
to turn our attention from this goal and focus on "acting the Holy
Spirit", well, i guess we're gonna be stuck in one place for quite the
while.
Men
are not metal rods stuck firmly upright in the ground, completely clueless
about what emotions are or if they have any. They only keep a strong backbone
in order to keep everything up and stable. It is kind of their duty to ensure
stability, so they mask their emotions with strength, though occasionally
letting go of that mask for a time. On our own, we men really do try to
understand women, but it is no easy task. We make light of it sometimes in
order to have a good laugh and reduce the pressure it exerts on us. In fact,
let me share a bit of the interesting conversation a friend (well... he's more
like a cousin) and i were having earlier on about women.
Kobby - "Are
you doing something she doesn't like?"
Yohan - "Nope!
Not at all. I'm a sweetheart!"
Kobby - "You
sure?"
Yohan - "Oh
yeah... honest. We're on good terms today."
Kobby - "You
can talk to her about it if you feel it's becoming a reoccurrence."
Yohan - "Oh...
pft! e go turn matta."
Kobby - "Some
women di33 you for pay close attention."
Yohan - "Well,
all of them actually."
●
●
●
Kobby - "Relationship
are work. That's why a lot of people are gay."
Yohan - "They
are fools! Relationship is a crazy choice only a crazy person
would choose to delve
into knowing he might get crazier!"
Kobby - "Hmm...
Keep the convo going and make sure she's happy that's all."
Yohan - "EXACTLY!!!!!!!
Make sure SHE is happy ooo... not you."
Kobby - "Lol
Boys abr3. You said you want a fine woman, now you have...
enjoy it! Roses come with thorns!
"
Yohan - "I
know that, but i just didn't realise how deep the thorns. They're like
samurai swords... they're real
long! "
Kobby - "They
come in different shapes and sizes with different flavours."
Notice
in the beginning he immediately assumed I'd done something wrong to offend the
female in question. In a relationship, that seems to be the default in ALL
situations - the man is at fault.
More than many times this is not accurate but in order to bring peace the man
agrees and "fixes" the situation. This is wrong by the way. It
creates an imbalance in the relationship, which can lead to the man getting
frustrated and burnt out. A woman will do well to avoid this as much as
possible to prevent a possible falling out. Each needs to reduce pride to
humility and accept responsibility for their mistakes. Anyway, notice as well
that this humorous friend-cousin-person of mine doubted my innocence which led
him to confirm if i was being honest and not deceiving him before he gave me
what advice he wanted to. This is, as i said, due to the fact that almost all
the time the man is blamed for every and anything... whether or not he has an idea about it. Funny huh?! Kobby then and finally
goes on to give his advice which points out the obvious truth along with one of
the defaults of being in a relationship, which i acknowledge without a second
thought. The funny thing is that i had a rather very similar conversation with
another cousin ( an actual cousin :p ) hours before this one.
I'm
sure the women reading this wanna beat the life out of me by now, so... errr...
for my own safety, I'm going to bring to light the good in them. Women, we
cool? Okay, so... here we go! Women are beautiful
and awesome! God made them so. They're not bad, just... a little stubborn.
Well, for some... a little more than "a little". The saying,
"Behind every successful man is a woman", is no lie. They hang back
in the shadows making things work to perfection similarly to the ways of a
puppeteer. The words of a woman push a man to be more than he ever imagines he
could be. He attains more as she supports him even when things look bleak. She
bears the unimaginable emotional burden that most men cannot and so simply
ignore. The kind of pain they can bear at child birth, i found out a little
while back, is equivalent to quite a number of broken bones. This simply amazed
me because, though i have not experienced what it's like to have a broken bone
i have seen what it is like and it does not look at all pleasant. So, men, for
a moment... imagine the pain of more than one broken bone being experienced all
at once as a baby is being pushed forth into this world. Do not forget that
this is not just some mere few-seconds ordeal but rather long hours of this
kind of pain commencing from labor with the contractions and all other
complications! (I'm pretty sure I'm on the good side of women now.)
So, a relationship, as
we've earlier on established, is a situation where two grown human beings (of
the opposite sex of course) decide that they've found that missing cog that
fits right into their system.
They accept each other as "The One" and block out all others vying
for that position. Considerably, this should always be fun right? Well, life
has never been a bed of roses so... it turns out that it's a balance that both
parties have to work out with all the "understanding" and
"patience" and whatnots that aid relationships to flourish. I was
going through the photos of me and my sweetheart (over a 1000 of them) and i
realised something - there were a lot of
smiles! Does this mean we're perfect? No! ...I'm afraid not. It simply
means that though there be no record of past saddening events they were simply
left there in the past as markers to learn from, yet not to be held on to.
Holding on to the past simply prevents you from stepping into the future. This can be entirely frustrating! Each
photo i looked at, especially the ones all the way from the beginning of the
relationship, reminded me of how far we've come, what we've been through to get
here, and what we're willing to do to get to that within-reach yet somewhat
distant future of a dream - fight for
what we have!
Holding
hands and not letting go while running this race? Sure, why ever not?! This is
possible no matter what is encountered if the both agree to be inseparable
while actually working it through. Think of a tag team involving just the two
of you that never ends, with the stronger party at any moment leading the
weaker one. It helps to note that at every point one of the two is the stronger
of the two and the other weaker one needs help. If this cannot be admitted then this tag team would break and fail!
Humility is here required as a constant. It is but a simple trait in the heart
of one who allows pride to be completely submerged in honesty of acceptance of
one's weaknesses. It does not at all imply that being humble is being weak,
it is in fact the exact opposite. Only the strong can reign in their pride and
keep it berthed at their side. Think about it for just a moment. Imagine the
both of you living in complete humility all the time... you'd be such a force to be reckoned with! Even if you're able to
do this half the time, you'd still be a powerful force. Unfortunately though,
many allow pride to swell and blow up like a landmine. This creates cracks and
tears in the seams of the relationship, and should this continue along its path
the result remains obvious to even the oblivious.
A
friend said to me that she didn't care anymore what happened to her
relationship. She said this because she was really worn out from trying to be
the "fixer" in her relationship. She was at the point of pulling out
the hairs on her head. That'd been sad because she has really beautiful natural
hair. Anyway, i gave her advice as best i could and just resulted to listening
to her problems. I realised that some of them sounded similar to the complaints
of some other friends, and as well, to some of mine. The problem was
three-fold. First and basically, the other party seemed to take efforts made
for granted. Secondly, we with the complaints had made the mistake of playing
the role of two instead of one, and lastly, we the complainants had also made
the mistake of not accepting certain things for what they are. The solutions to
these are pretty straight forward - no
efforts made should be taken for granted; no party should play a dual role; and
lastly all parties need to learn to understand and accept certain things for
what they are. Of course, there needs to be dialogue about what bothers a
party. This kind of communication requires a lot of attentive listening and
then giving of feedback. (This absolutely goes both ways.) Also... remember to smile! ...it lightens the mood.
To
understand a man is like adding one and one to get two. Men are highly logical
creatures; almost everything falls into logical reasoning. It is because of
this that their actions (characters) are quite easy to predict, and invariably
understand. "If this, then that.
And, if that, then this." Pretty straight forward. A woman on the
other hand is anything but logical. A woman is more like a cabbage or an onion;
layers upon layers have to be peeled away to get to her center. The catch to
this is that since a woman is completely dynamic, completely different layers
grow in place of the others. In other words, when you think you know or understand her pretty well, you in fact do
not. That's just another layer to get through. Forget to do a thing for a
guy and he might have even forgotten it himself. In bringing it up he lightly
shrugs and says, "It's okay." which really and truly means everything
is okay, but turn the tables on a woman and you're sure to have lightening strike twice in one place! - You
will never hear the end of it. If you happen to be unlucky enough to get the
"It's okay." speech, then you should be very worried because it
implies everything is definitely not okay and whatever it is you did wrong will
surely return to nick you real good in the back without any warning whatsoever!
[NOTE: For my female
readers, i am honestly not being biased. These are things i have personally
experienced along with every other male i know who's in a serious relationship.
These are things pastors, teachers, counselors, and husbands have shared with
me. So, please take no offence... we're all learning a little here. Thanks!]
Honestly,
i like the way my mom admits women are less than easy to understand - "We women are too known. We like to keep you
guys guessing, and we don't like to admit stuff... WE WANT YOU TO FIGURE IT
OUT!" ...or something like that. She says women have a real soft spot
for hearing "nice" things, and she's right. Sometimes though, saying
"I'm sorry" doesn't really cut it. You have to become a sort of
"fool" in order to bring back the peace. A man would have to take the
blame for everything and be the sweetheart who fixes it in order to gain
forgiveness (even when he has no prior knowledge whatsoever about what is going
on). On certain occasions, no matter how remorseful my apologies were, it just
didn't cut it. I resulted to hugging "madam" mid speech, and when i
would do that she would just calm down and be quiet. It was only then my
apologies got through successfully. Occasionally, she'd try to push me away one
or two times before given in but... it
worked like a charm. Funny enough, at that point i felt a mix of true
remorse and comfort as she held on. I dunno why but that's the feeling i got. It was simply peaceful!
A
friend of mine (who's more like a kid sister to me) in trying to land me some
advice said this to me;
"Have
you thought of the need for you to embrace yourself as a whole and single
person without the other person? Have you thought of the need for to be happy
on your own and be you without external factors? I may not be making sense.
Truth is Essy can never fulfill a lot of the demands you place on her nor on
others. Sorry, but I'm not finding a better way to put things. The truth is
what matters. Your relationship will only work if you two become truly
single... living completely happy and in love with your own selves, then you
can come together with another person."
I
honestly understood what she was getting at. In fact, i knew it for myself. Think
about it, if you don't love yourself (who you are), don't understand your make
(your characteristics), and cannot accept your whole being (who you are) then
how on earth do you expect a completely different human to accept you? You
would not even be able to explain yourself to the other party if you needed to.
You'd be left blank as a white sheet of
paper and stranded as an island with nothing but sand! The two can only
become one, as she said, when the two accept their OWN persons and are able to
live with their OWN selves. Once this happens, becoming one is an easier task
than before. Being able to accept yourself for who you are and being willing to
correct what must need be makes it somewhat easier to accept the other party
and help them correct what they must. You learn to have some sort of patience
for the other and the bond (unity) grows deeper than planned or imagined. For
mere pieces of cloth to become one beautiful piece of clothing the tailor must
first cut away the parts of the individual pieces of cloth he does not need.
The tailor then sews the pieces of cloth together with a thread and needle. The
two pieces would never be whole again if ever separated - they'd be damaged! There would be a lot of missing parts as well as
holes in their sides. In this case, the tailor would be God and the man and the
woman would be the pieces of cloth. To join you together forever as one piece
He would have to cut away parts of you (character/behavior) that would not
benefit the relationship. If the two ever separated (divorce) they'd never be
the same again. They'd be walking as
incomplete beings. Kind of like humans without an arm or leg or nose or ear
or fingers or some other part or parts. Once those pieces that are not needed
to form that one piece desired are cut off they're never coming back. It is why
the care must be taken in making the right decision of who one wants to get
joined to as one. Make the wrong
decision and you're damaged forever!
A
woman and devotion are like a bee and honey - you absolutely cannot and will not have one without the other.
Chai!!! A woman can be so devoted that even if lightening threatens to
strike and does strike, she just would not let go ever! Goodness gracious! I applaud women for that trait of theirs (well,
the majority who really are like that at least). Give them a beating (not
necessarily physical) or try to break them but they will still hold on. It is a
world beyond my understanding! A man would just logically "let go"
and move on but a woman... lie lie!
She will remain. Insanity?? No. It is not. It is the way they were created. It
is part of their characteristics. Even if they wanted to, they couldn't not be
devoted... they just do not know how to be. Even in this greatly messed up
world there's countless of them who still own this trait and wield it
willingly. It is one of their prides -
Total Devotion. Men, i honestly cannot say the same about them, but there
are a few who strive to learn this trait to a point, and somehow, in their own
way manage to. This though, is not their scene. Theirs is more of the providing
and protecting scene.
All
of this shared wisdom would benefit less without the addition of The Word of
God. You see, God being the creator of man and woman knows the ins and outs of
both, so He gave some helpful advice. In Ephesians 5:22 — 25, KJV He, via Paul
said;
"Wives,
submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of
the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of
the body.
Therefore as the church is
subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, even
as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it..."
Over
the years i have heard many explanations for this scripture but the only one
that sat well with my spirit and has thus remained with me till now is this; The reason why God tells woman to submit is
because that is her weakness - submission. She can probably do anything
else pretty easily and without fail but submission is quite a mountain to
overcome. I have seen many situations where the wife was really disrespectful
to the husband in her words and actions. It
was pathetic! Some people in defense say, "You don't know what
happened...", but truth is, no matter what happened there is supposed to
be respect and submission accorded the man who happens to be the head of the
home. A discussion can always be struck out to resolve issues, but insulting
and violating a man is a "not-not" situation. The man's weakness happens to be "loving", and unfortunately,
this comes in many forms. Be it faithfulness, respect, care for the woman
in the way she wants to be cared for, showing interest in things involving her,
protecting her, making her feel like a queen... the man needs to learn all
these and more. As Christ loved the church and gave his life for it, so to must
a man be willing to die for his woman in order to keep her safe. A man must not
use a woman as a punching bag. In fact, he should not even be thinking of
lifting a finger against her. She is a
flower that needs to be cared for and nurtured... not beaten down and trampled
underfoot! The negativity on both sides is not unheard of but should not
be. The family [man + woman (+children)] should be a minor experience of heaven
here on earth. In a chain, man is in the middle of Jesus and woman. As he looks
to Jesus in order to learn from Him, he then practices what he learns with
woman. In return the woman respects the man as the head in Christ. Another
thing i learnt that has stuck with me is that man, woman and Jesus for a
triangle with man and woman at the bottom ends each and Jesus at the top. As
the two focus their attention on Him and emulate His ways they invariably draw
closer to each other and the bottom ends of the triangle close up to the point
of the two becoming one. Focusing on
each other though will draw two farther apart because the flaws of each would
hinder unity as a chasm would two plains.
"This is who i am." - one of the
very statements i do not like to hear people say. It is as the sounds of one
who has given up without even trying. If there's one thing I've learnt about
living in this world, it is that any and everything is possible as long as you
have the faith (and taken action) to back it up. Faith is believing that what
is certainly impossible is actually possible. Without works (action) though...
it is dead. Unfortunately, this seems to have become some sort of accepted norm
or other to the point that even marriage counselors go as far as to say stuff
like, "There are some things you'd
probably have to live with..." Now, i dunno, maybe that may be a truth
of sorts... I'm still learning and growing and i don't know it all, but my make
and belief doesn't allow me to accept that. It may be my faith level or I'm
simply ignorant or something, but i just don't agree that change cannot be
brought to anything that requires it. Personally, (and i want use this as a
"simple" example for those who like to fallback on this surrendering
statement in order for it to be understood that character change is possible) i
had a really bad temper. Probably because of how i grew up and what i went
through, but somehow (and it took some time) i managed to learn to control it.
I managed to learn to cork the anger and then let it fizzle out without blowing
up like a landmine in people's faces. Hat temper almost got me into trouble and
that was when i decided to take control of myself and not let anger control me.
It took a while as well as some practice on different styles or ways of keeping
a cool and level head but after a while i found my most effective way of
handling the temper, and now it's become a very natural response to any
temptation to anger because i practiced it till it became a part of me like
breathing. I know that every being is different and has various capabilities
but The One True God is the same
yesterday, today and forever! His word is true and sire and will never return
to Him void, and therefore when he says in Isaiah 55:11, KJV that; "So
shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me
void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the
thing whereto I sent it." it is us who make Him a liar by boldly saying
any or some problems we face cannot be changed, like character, for an example.
The will He gave us is such a powerful tool to us men. With it mixed with faith
anything a person wants to can be achieved. Aside what God created Himself in
the beginning, with the wisdom and the will He gave us, everything achieved
thus far is because of the will of men through hope + belief (faith).
The world would not be developed the way it is now if men were not persistent
in trying. We'd still be cave men! You are who God says you are and not
whatever flaw you feel you are. If you do not know who you are in Christ you
certainly have a lot more bible reading (studying) to do, but i will tell you
this... you are an overcomer because you are the child of an overcomer! Jesus
died and rose again, He lives in you (only if you've accepted Him as your Lord
and personal Savior) and because He lives in you, you also have that
resurrection power of change deep within you. It enables you to accomplish the
impossible. Your whole being is made like Christ because you are a heir of
salvation made in the image and the likeness of God Himself. This particular
topic of "character change or not" has been on my heart for quite a
long while now, and honestly... I do not know what else to say about it to get
those who make such decisions to see reason, so... enough said.
Let's
progress to something else i just learnt not two hours ago from typing this
particular paragraph. It is that you have to be honest with yourself and then
your partner, yet and be brave about it. You have to let each party decide to
be with the other; you must not force it or it will simply lead to pity on
either or both sides of the relationship. With everyone deciding that it is
what they want there will not be a situation of, "I'm doing it because i have to." or "I'm doing it for his/her sake." If anyone is in this
situation, that's sad because you'll never ever find true happiness. It will
just be pity for the one, the other or the both. There's even likely to be some
disregard for the one who the "sacrifice" is being made for. It is
almost pathetic. Well, maybe... it is. On the other hand, you're assured of a
mutual agreement to fight for what you have when both decide that it is what
they want. The force of a unified camp is far greater than both can ever
imagine. The strength they possess as a unit, even if meagre-looking, is
completely unstoppable! It is one with the untold ability to level mountains.
This is because they become the tag team i talked about earlier on up there
somewhere. They defend and fight together, and even better, for each other on
their blindside. They become an impenetrable fortress! It takes quite some
amount of time to get to that point of a strong unit though, but once you get
there it will be well worth it. If you're not sure where you stand in your
relationship you had better find out real quick, and especially before you get
married if you're not already. The outcome may either be favorable or not, but
as a friend once said, "At least
you'll find out the truth, because... wouldn't you rather before it's too late?"
Holding on to something your human heart latches itself on to is probably the
most difficult thing to undo, especially if you're like me and you throw
yourself headfirst off of a cliff. Yes... there are those who are cautious and
there are those who are unwaveringly radical, but none is the better of the
other. Each person or being is vastly different from the rest. Reality is the
way out for the "cautious", which half the time (or more) leads to
regret of not being more "radical" about a situation. Being
unrealistic is what we the "not-so-cautious" result to in order to be
able to hold ourselves together when things look bleak and we turn pale. And... Yes! ...we may be radical but we get
scared like babies because we're still human. A few are a mix and so they
have their own ratios they go by, say... 50:50 or 60:40... reality to
unreality. They use the balance to "set things straight" or as a
failsafe in case something goes wrong. Which is best of all? I really have no
idea, but as i said, "...none is
the better of the other." We are all who we are, and thus, you must
make the best of situations as you learn to become a better person.
So,
i started this piece focusing on man and woman as individual parts, but I will
conclude with them as one. All human wisdom is but a fraction of what really
can make or unmake things work. We really are limited in our earthly wisdom,
but The Omniscient One is completely
limitless in that regard. He knows the end from the beginning; Isaiah 46 : 10,
KJV - "Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the
things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all
my pleasure:" He did create all things after all. It follows that in any
situation calling on Him would be the prudent thing to do. Where wisdom is
lacked, all one need do is ask for it as God said in His word; "If any of
you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and
upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." - James 1 : 5, KJV. What i
really wanna say here is that, Prayer Is The Key! It is why we are admonished
to do so without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5 : 17). Then there's also the advice
about building and watching over a house without involving God in Psalms 127 :
1, KJV - "Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build
it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain."
Anything attempted at its conception and completion is sure to be a total and
complete failure once God is not involved in it. This is especially true when
the situation involves human beings. For
any relationship to be correctly fitted together and then be able to survive
through the storms life will whip out at it, a strong foundation must be laid
and at the right location - On The Rock. - Jesus. (Luke 6 : 47 - 49) When
your anchor is grounded in Christ, you honestly have nothing to worry about.
All you have to do is trust Him and put action to your faith.
The
very last thing i will say is... Relationships
are real hard work and not for the weak at heart. Trust me... i know this
firsthand. You will get beat, burned, bruised, broken, frustrated, unable to
continue, but if you hold on (and continue to do so), learn and then push
really hard... you will come through stronger and better than before. Think
deep before making the decision to be in a relationship; you must be as ready
for any outcomes you are going to encounter as you can, because and honestly,
nothing will prepare you for what's coming. It is a battle that's yours alone to fight.
I
was inspired to write this piece over a week ago so i started gradually. Every
day for the past week i typed something down, and in typing up all of this
stuff i have also learnt a lot. I simply typed as inspired, which means i did
not really sit down and figure things out to type, but rather, as they came to
me i did. The paragraphs did not come to me all at once but i did listen for the
leading each day for what to add on. It really is a lot to digest and
assimilate but it is really good stuff to note. I leave you with this scripture
as my very last piece of advice, and also... just in case you're wondering my
stand on this topic.
"And
the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him
an help meet for him."
- Genesis 2 : 18, KJV
~ yoyo
~ inspiredw0rdz
~ October 19, 2015 ; 1 : 29 am
